I put the "taint" in "certainty"

More From the Boy Who Called Me Cockmaster Flex

I'm not certain, but I'm pretty sure this is exactly what the inventors of text messaging and picture phones had in mind.

Brother: Hey tard
Me: Yes?
Brother: Hi
Me: Hello.
Brother: Samtsirch yrrem
Me: What the fuck was that? Klingon?
Brother: No its back words
Me: Detpoda era uoy
Brother: [Picture of a bowel movement]
Me: You must be pretty proud of that. You've sent it to me twice now.
My Mom: Warning! dont open the photos mike sends! Lisa :-)
Brother: [New picture of a different bowel movement]
Brother: I love u to bed d-bag xoxo

The terrorists will not win...

So drunk

I have the hiccups. I love Sarah!!! Srsly.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!

Matt's Domain

What did narcissists do before blogs and MySpace? They made personal web sites.

Man, I was so cool. I knew basic HTML!

Courtesy of the WaybackMachine.

Aural Pleasure

I came across this clip of a string quartet covering Sugar We're Going Down on Katie's blog. I couldn't agree with her assessment more. I was thinking "damn, this is really good" then halfway through, I realized I only had one headphone in. I put in the other and immediately went back to the beginning.

Katie, if you read this, please tell me where you found that.

Reason #1805 I have lost all faith in humanity

Sheneck in Target: "Did you watch the NASCAR award show last night?"
Redneck: "No, but I recorded it."

Rock Bottom

What, exactly, is rock bottom? Does it exist? How do you know when you reach it? I was talking to someone the other day who told me you just have to let yourself hit it, then you can start to build back up. What if I don't want to hit it? Do I have to? There must be some way around it. Can't I just wallow around in the shallows for a bit longer? Don't get me wrong... I'd much rather be on the beach, and someday I will be. At least I hope I will be. They all tell me I will be.

Maybe it is just time to take the plunge.

Rock. Bottom. Rock freaking bottom.

Someone will pull me ashore, right? Will there be anyone left? I can't pull everyone down with me... can I?

Chuck Norris jokes are still funny, right?

Towards the end of the Chuck Norris craze, I submitted a couple "facts." Unbeknownst to me, one of them made the top 100. As a matter of fact, it currently sits at 28th (yes, I counted)... 0.013 points behind "Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris."

Tolkien Black Guy

Lawrence Makoare

This Just In...

My hands smell fantastic.

Expanding the Vernacular

Fire Engines - noun
Overweight women who wear red when going out. Called thus for being large, conspicuous, and able to be heard from across the room.
It must be a four-alarm night. The fire engines are out in full force.

Fuck the Guitar

I really want to learn how to play the harmonica.

Legos

Try to take apart two flat Legos without using your teeth. I dare you.

I feel loved

Since I couldn't be with my family on Thanksgiving Day, I sent them all texts wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving. Here are their responses:

Mom: "Thank you love you!"
Sister: "You too!"
Dad: "U 2 thanx"
Brother: "U to retard"

F1RST!

I am now--officially--a blogger. Ugh.

I think you'd better turn your ticket in.
Get your money back at the door.